It came out of nowhere and threw me violently within the walls of the little market spot on East Main. After she left, I was dizzy, confused, and emotionally energized like I've only been lucky enough to experience now three times in my life. Its power stripped layers off of me, instantaneously. And when she told me that this probably was not a very good idea, I respected that. I deleted you from everything, so so I thought. But, I stumbled across this image today on my text messages, quite by accident. It was strange because I was looking for something else altogether while visiting with a female inmate. When the image appeared I immediately and involuntarily said, "No!" So, regardless of the outcome, it feels honest, and warm to have her snug in my chest. Come what may, I'm so much better off for having spent that brief amount of time with her. But, I've crossed paths with Crystal several times in the past and remember that she always pressed pause on whatever I was doing at the time. So odd. I'm afraid of her, and I'm not afraid of much at all. We saw each other again. Yesterday, in fact. She rode with me to Rural King where I picked up a new chainsaw. I bought her a pair of boots. I took her back home, She kissed me forcefully on the mouth. We embraced tightly. There. It's over. Whatever it was, I'm treating it as a goodbye kiss. I was cursed/blessed with falling deeply in love with a woman at 65, and would not trade this painful experience for anything. I think hat this has hit the reset button on the rest of my life. Thank you, honey. I love you. Accept this and move on. I'll love you 'til the day I die. I just need the pain to stop. I don't remember ever loving anyone like this. This may be the most mysterious thing I've experienced. Out of nowhere at all. I've never loved another woman like this. I will love her until the day I die. I cannot believe this has happened to me. It's like I'm totally helpless.
But there's much, much more to it. After the kiss I turned and walked away without saying a word. When I got home, still thinking that the kiss meant acceptance, I took to worrying. I turned over in my mind how the prospect of me having her would totally disrupt my good life here. How, for example, it would affect my time with my son. A hundred things would change. I would probably marry her. But, in the end, I would not be successful in saving her from the damage she has suffered since God knows when. The fact that she lost her children, standing alone, is plenty. She's poor. She needs things. I want so deserately to save her thagt it devastates me, on two levels. See, I love this young woman damn near infinitely. Add that the the face that feel enormous pity for her, and the gash bleeds twice, exaanguinating my emotions. Then, of course, the sorrow I feel for her, which, too, is devastating to carry, amps up the love I have for her. This thing is so utterly powerful that I am stunned. But, I didn't want this. And, as soon as I got home, my affection maxed even more on account ot that kiss, and under tha assumption that it was possible that I won her over, I began trying to devise soem way of getting out.
