State of Tennessee v. Ralph Sexton (Not Guilty): For Stephania

At some point around 2005, Ralph decided to partner up with a couple in connection to turning Edna Mae's into a restaurant and tavern. The couple was dominated by an overbearing woman who went by a surname that is now lost on me. However, as will become pertinent, I do know her Christian name. Gertrude. So Gertrude accused Ralph of stealing a very valuable cooler that she had on hold from a place called Little Lots in Smyrna, Tennessee in White County. He was arrested on a felony warrant, made bond, and hired yours truly to represent his interests. We prepared for a preliminary hearing and went full force into it, contesting the existence of probable cause in front of the Judge, whose name I now forget. As one would expect, Ralph was highly agitated and anxious. I had suggested that he double his dose that morning, and I'm confident he did. Still, he was a wreck. I stayed in a rental cabin at Edgar Evins State Park so I'd be practically there on the hearing date. I took my lesson and finished preparing the night before. And even before that, I had driven to Lancing in order to rehearse Ralph's proposed testimony for the upcoming hearing. In preparation, I began my direct examination in the main room of Edna Mae's which, at that time, was more of a salvage depot. We huddled up next to the woodstove and I commenced my examination: "You are Ralph Sexton, aren't you." "Yes, sir, I am." You've been charged with a felony in this matter and your plea is 'not guilty' I believe. "That's absolutely right, sir," he replied. "And Mr. Sexton, it's safe to say, is it not, that you are a man of high credibility." "I'd like to think so," he replied. "Never been convicted of a felony, have you?" "No, sir." Never lied in court?" "No I have not." "And you've never stole anything in your entire life, have you?" "Well, counsellor, yes I have!" I busted out laughing and so did my wife. It was pure honesty. Obviously I decided against asking him that in front of the Judge. Anyway, Ralph, who was nervous, was standing in the hallway before the hearing, pacing the floor, when our female witness decided to soothe his nerves by rubbing his shoulders without first asking permission. He snapped around, "Get your god damned hand's off of me!" Hilarious. He told me that if I used the other woman's name, "Gertrude" she'd go ape shit mad. So, as soon as I got up to cross examine Mrs. ? (I cannot recall what she went by). I said, point blank: "Isn't it true ma'am that your real name is Gertrude." She turned red as blood and reminded me and everyone in the building that her name was "Mrs. ?" and that she did not use "that" name ever! The long and short of it was that the Judge threw the felony case out for lack of probable cause because, among other things, Gertrude turned into a malignant bitch as soon as I said her name. True story.